The last few weeks have been a mixture of newfound mindfulness clashing with an apparent regression in mood. I’ve gone from feeling pleasant and capable of experiencing variety and change to feeling mentally secure but physically uncomfortable, to feeling mentally uncomfortable and physically less uncomfortable. Real boats rock, but sliding into the trough feels worse knowing the slam that comes at the bottom before the next wave lifts you. Regarding mindfulness, I’ve maintained the ability not to tic, and kept my legs from shaking as well as regularly avoid fidgeting with my hands (even though in stressful conversations I still find myself fidgeting with the hands). Mentally I feel farther from peace at the moment. Physically I feel compelled to treat stress with overeating. The food seems to satiate the body and dull the mind, even as I recognize that the mind ought have better fuel at a time like this.

But what’s ought have doing in these considerations? Is it wrong, per se, to be feeling mentally uncomfortable? The closest I can come to understanding this discomfort is that it’s got to do with my evaluation of myself, that towards the beginning of last week I began to notice I was feeling “good” even as I started to sense a certain gradual increase of stress. Where is my plenty these last two weeks? I’ve accomplished a great deal; several loads of laundry, done the dishes multiple times, and even organized the takedown of the shed we’ve been wanting down since before the summer. These are all good accomplishments.

The distress began, I think, with my return to the phones after a week off on contacts, and I think that phone stress continues to cause ripple effects throughout my day and extending across weeks. Looking at my mood chart, I also notice a pattern of bad days lining up with couple’s therapy sessions. It feels unpleasant to participate in those, but scheduling these sessions was something I was very excited for, and expect to continue doing. Why is it causing me trouble? (looking at this, I realize this is the most difficult thing to be engaging in right now).

Change is a two-way street. In order to change for the positive I accept that there will be days that change for the negative. Life is an experience of contrasts, and the bad is required in order to notice and appreciate the good. I think that in my personal therapy I should explore what it is that’s causing me distress and work on applying my mindful techniques towards processing those feelings. Another thing I’ve noticed myself orienting towards is exercise, specifically biking, calisthenics, and stretching. I’ve been interested in establishing a routine of physical activity, or perhaps just a menu of things to do in 30min downtime periods.5

I’ve had minor suicidal indicators again recently, which feels unpleasant. I shouldn’t beat myself up for feelings, but I also need to focus on mindfulness and processing to reinforce those solutions instead of looking forward to a permanent one.