Imagine a bow, drawn back and nocked with an arrow. That’s how life feels sometimes. You’re pulled farther and farther back, the potential energy building until you nearly can’t take it anymore, only to launch forwards like an arrow. Moments of tension and flight pair back and forth, as you pass in fits and starts through time.

Sometimes I wish I were a river instead of a bow, slowly sweeping forwards, meandering back and forth, ever onwards towards the sea, an infinite slope towards infinite potential. But does the river feel successful? Is there any part of it that remains with the whole, identifying as itself? Perhaps I’d rather be the bow, launching myself like an arrow after every difficult draw.

In a science fiction book a character said “God is change”, which struck me not unlike an arrow. Time is how we trace the change through static moments, and entropy only ever moves forward in time. But change moves both ways, if you think about it. The past changes the state of the future, and the future alters the meaning of the past. Its all circles in a pond.

As you may tell I’ve been feeling quite depressed recently, but the curious thing is I haven’t been as miserable about being depressed. Using my activity tracking I’ve been able to confirm to myself that I’m still getting things done, not just small things but important things, like monthly goals. I’m glad to have more perspective on my productivity during these periods of sadness, it helps me remember I am more than just my feelings.