Things agreed to on the car ride back from my parents house last night:

• I asked my parents to describe how our conversations felt like over the last few years, I described a feeling of coming closer to them.
• my mom said that things were “different” in a good way. That she loved having relationships with us as children, and that she also loved having these “adult conversations” with us as well.
• my dad used the word “freedom” and said that he was relived that I entered these conversations with them emphasizing that I was not seeking to assign blame, or to fault anyone for anyone’s pain, but that I was trying to move past it to let it go, I clarified that to me it felt like I was expressing a willingness to “let it be”.
• I let my parents know that I felt we had been successful in our conversations, wildly successful, because I don’t know of any other parent child relationship that can have these kinds of conversations that we have had
• I said a major part of why I think we were successful, is that when I first came to them, they without prompt from me asked me to tell them what I needed, and that they would do their best to give it to me, and I felt sincerity there that touched me deeply and affirmed their love for me. Despite their hesitation, in the face of uncertainty, they committed immediately, jumping feet first into this process.
• I said that from my perspective going into that conversation, I felt like I was threatening them somehow, as though there was unspoken context of “do this for me or something bad will happen”, but their commitment changed the subtext from making a demand to meeting a need.
• I let my parents know a few days ago that, over the next few years, I’m seeing a need to create a tighter-knit circle of relationships. When my dad asked what my criteria was, I said those who I feel are able to “join” with me, and interlocked my fingers.
• This decision comes from watching my father’s dysfunctional relationship with his siblings, as their mother’s health continues deteriorating I see them unable to come together to form consensus.
• I said that to me, it looks like they have been piling up unresolved issues and resentments for so long that, by the time they are forced to come together to resolve this one for their mother, they end up trying to do so at the end of a chain of unresolved issues, and those broken links prevent their unifying.
• I asked my parents to try reaching out to a cousin of mine who feels suspicious they didn’t like her anymore. I said based off the conversations that I’ve had with my parents about said cousin, there feels like vitriol exists.
• My parents both emphasized that they loved my cousin, and they do like her, but have been disappointed in her choices recently.
• I emphasized that the request is selfish (or at least self-oriented) in nature, and I was asking them to do something for me, without clear benefit to them. It did not matter if they failed or succeeded, because I was only asking them to try. I related this to their commitment initially when our own conversations began, and that this was a similar request. I again affirmed that they will not let me down by failing or succeeding, because that’s not the goal, the goal is to find out if reconciliation can occur or not.
• My dad seemed to be open to this idea, my mom less open but still willing.
• After the conversation, I asked my wife for some clarification of what had just happened. She affirmed these previous observations points while also agreeing on the following.
• In effect, I exercised leadership by asking my parents to do something for me that they would not have done themselves. The thing I asked them to do was for my benefit, not theirs, and I was clear with them on this and they understood, and still agreed anyway.
• I realized midway though the conversation with my wife, that I had asserted leadership without the threat of violence, but via some other authority.
• It seems like these conversations, approached with genuine hearts and clear intent, could be an indicator of how we are going to parent our child.
• She also confirmed that she feels like I appear to have a skill with managing these sorts of relationships (referenced a prior conversation where she said in our relationship, she sees herself as the doer and me as the dreamer).
• We then had a meta-conversation, where she said there was an EQ factor (later categorized as intuition) that I seemed to be ignoring in favor of the IQ. I was intrigued by this, and she said that when she talks, she forms an opinion of what the other person is feeling and what the conversation is about, and then she sticks with it the whole way through without revisiting that, where I seem to be unable to form those judgements.
• I compared this difference of approaches to my being blind and her being able to see. On my end it feels like I’m tracing the shape of something, but I can’t determine what it is, while she can see the object more clearly as a whole.
• I mentioned during the conversation that I’m noticing similar feelings with this conversation and conversation about bottom-upping last year, which is why I’m being cautious about my observations. Wife agrees, and said I should chew on this for a few days.
• Bottom-up feelings subsided after about a month if I recall, I will check back in then.

Lots to think about here.